The Z's or O's and the Wolf

by Don Cheney



One day, the Z's or O's and the Wolf took a trip to Juneau, Alaska. They weren't on the road for long when they suddenly realized that it was melting.

-¡Fucking shit, brother Wolf! -The Z's or O's said-. ¡The road is fucking melting! ¡Extraterrestrials are orbiting above! ¡I don't speak Martian and I don't know how to repair a road!

-¿You don't deal very well do you, brother Z's or O's?

The Z's or O's and the Wolf drove on, until, the orbiting Martians and the freely-segmenting road conspired to stop them. They were but fifteen minutes into their journey and the Z's or O's's panties were definitely bunching.

-¡Jesus freaking Christ! ¡¿What kind of nightmarish mammalia is this shit?! I had my accordion ready and I was going to play a jaunty jig. ¡¿And now I'm to be anally-probed?! Look, brother Wolf, I'm seeing flying saucers. Flying saucers and roasting roadway.

Wolf ignored Z's or O's and kept driving down the highway. The Z's or O's started praying to San Gervasio - the largest Mayan ruins site on Cozumel. Five minutes of that and the Z's or O's had calmed down enough to want only to slit Wolf's throat.

-¡Hey, brother Z's or O's, I'm driving as fast as I can!

-That is true, brother Wolf.

-And dig, friend Z's or O's, ¿what was the name of that Mayan ruins we just passed?

-¡¿What!? ¡You fucking blaspheming piece of dog crap!



ANOTHER fifteen minutes passed, but it felt like it was pushing sixteen to the Z's or O's.

-¡Jesus freaking Christ! ¡¿What kind of nightmarish mammalia are you handing me?! I had my accordion ready and I was going to play another jaunty jig. ¡¿And now I'm to be anally-probed?! Look, brother Wolf, I'm seeing flying saucers. Flying saucers and roasting roadway.

Wolf ignored Z's or O's and kept driving down the highway. The Z's or O's started downing Vicodin and continued praying to San Gervasio - the largest Mayan ruins site on Cozumel. Five minutes of that and the Z's or O's had calmed down enough to want only to slice Wolf in two.

-¡Hey, brother Z's or O's, I'm driving faster than I can!

-That is true, brother Wolf.

-And dig, friend Z's or O's, ¿what was the name of that Mayan ruins we just passed?

-¡¿What!? ¡You fucking blaspheming piece of ass metal!



ANOTHER fifteen minutes passed, but it felt more like sixteen to the Z's or O's.

-¡Jesus freaking Christ! ¡¿What kind of nightmarish mammalia is this shit?! I had my accordion ready and I was going to play a third jaunty jig. ¡¿And now I'm to be anally-probed?! Look, brother Wolf, I'm seeing flying saucers. Flying saucers and roasting roadway.

Wolf ignored Z's or O's and kept driving down the highway. The Z's or O's stopped popping pills and started popping Wolf in the back of the head. Five minutes of that and the Z's or O's had calmed down enough to want only to eat Wolf's children.

-¡Hey, brother Z's or O's, any faster and I'm fucking flying!

-That is true, brother Wolf.

-And dig, friend Z's or O's, ¿what was the name of that Mayan ruins we just passed?

-¡¿What!? ¡You fucking blaspheming piece of taxi crap! Look, brother Wolf, goodbye, I've had more than I can assimilate... And when I do assimilate all of this it's going to make an "ass" out of “my” and “late”.

The Wolf, The Carpool Lane and The Vespa

by Don Cheney


“Stop time and time will stop the animals from talking.”



One day a wolf pogo’d into the carpool lane like a piston exploding gasoline.

-¡Animal! -The Carpool Lane screamed-. ¡Get the fuck out of the carpool lane! ¡There’s only one driver on that pogo stick! If you try that again I’ll take your paws off at the neck! ¿What did you think was going to happen when you pogo’d onto the American Super Highway?

-¿Is that you, Carpool Lane?

-Yes, of course it’s me, Wolf. If you come here tomorrow I’ll give you a gentle pat on the butt and then ¡slit your throat from ear to ear! ¿And you know who else I’m gonna gut? Your pal, the Count of Garona.

-We’ll be here, punk-ass Carpool Lane -The wolf replied.

And Wolf got off of the American Super Highway.

Twenty seconds later, he got back on. And he brought Vespa with him.

¿What do you think Carpool Lane did to the wolf and the scooter? He yelled at them:

-¡Hey! -Carpool Lane yelled-. ¿Is that a Vespa?

-Yes, no, somewhat, maybe, lousy -The Vespa replied-. We’re coming back tomorrow with our gentle sides turned away from the sun. We’re coming here tomorrow and we’re bringing the Count of Garona with us.

Wolf then set the pogo stick’s controls for the heart of the sun.

-We’ll be here, punk-ass Carpool Lane.

For its part, the carpool lane said this to the Vespa and the wolf:

-Friends... Try to come back here tomorrow. It won’t be my fault when you’re dead with outstanding traffic warrants. And bring Count Whatsisname. Bring ‘im, bring all your motorcycle friends. It’ll give me the opportunity to meet and garrote them.

-¡Friend Carpool Lane! ¡That is traitorous hereticism!

So the Vespa got off the American Super Highway as suggested by the carpool lane. For its part, Carpool Lane clucked and called over to one of his carpool lane chums:

-¡They’re gonna bring Count Whatchamacallit! ¡Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

The day went away. The sun went away. The wolf and the carpool lane went to sleep after downing a shitload of Metamucil.

-¿That’s the best smack ya got, Carpool Lane?

-¡No! Listen to this, Wolf: ¡Fuck you!

The wolf galloped toward the carpool lane. Then he stopped and grinned:

-¿Where am I, Carpool Lane?

-¡You’re right where I want you, Wolf! -For a carpool lane, Carpool Lane sure shouted a lot.

-¿Where is that, Carpool Lane?

-¡On the American Super Hateway, numb-nuts!

It was just then that The Oregano of Garona sashayed up to the scene on his friend Vespa. He was naked and carrying Wolf’s sandals under his terrible agitation and screaming:

-¡A pox on Lego Land! ¡A pox on Lego Land!

The poor wolf had counted on this incoherent jackass to slam a tire iron or two where Carpool Lane’s sun didn’t shine.

-¡By the time I get to Arizona! -The Vespa screamed, its lazy eye looking at Wolf and the Count of Garona-. ¿What’s a smiling face when the whole state’s racist?

It was then that Wolf could see Who was on first. Carpool Lane was on second, Vespa was rounding third, and IDon'tKnow was living happily ever after.


The End

The Amazing Max!


at 8 years old.


at 11 years old.