Sunday, July 30, 2006

This is from chapter 7 of the book I'm currently writing, "¡There's No One In The Bathroom, But Let's Murder 'em Anyway!":

-Daddy… ¡The plants! –Margaret exclaimed.

The contemplative curmudgeon turned Kentucky fried apoplectic. His eyes reddened and his arteries hardened. His starched shirt stiffened and went silent.

-¡They grabbed Charlie! –Margaret said.

-I just wanted my shirt back –Charlie said in a trembling voice.

The siblings looked to their dad – the man who helped bring them into this world – for guidance, for wisdom, for clarity. But all they got was the 3-mile stare of a man who’d lost his humanity years ago.

Finally, the old dirtbag spoke:

-¿Are they o… ¿Are you okay?

-Yes –Charlie said as slowly and deliberately as you can deliver a one-syllable word.

Again, the two looked to their dad for a timely and logical explanation of shirt-stealing, child-molesting plants with hands in the bathroom.

Margaret held Charlie’s hand as their four eyes poured into their dad’s, trying to find the light switch.

-I am very… deceitful –The good doctor affirmed their suspicions-. ¿Did I say “deceitful”? I meant disappointed.

-But we can get you help, Dad –Margaret mistakenly malapropism’d-. You can go to Arizona and… you know, ¿get a document notarized?

-I am very disappointed –Mr. … uh, Dr. Berger said slowly- in you two.

-I’m sorry –Margaret started the round of excuses-. We didn’t know you were growing murderous, humanoid…

-Yeah –Charlie interrupted her sister before she got them fed to the plants-. And… we didn’t smoke any of your plants, I swear.

-Very disappointed –Their father repeated robotically.

-We’re sorry, Daddy.

Dr. Berger held out his pinky ring for the children to kiss.

-I just thank God that your mother is getting documents notarized and wasn’t around to witness this.

Charlie looked up from kissing Dr. Berger’s ring.

-¿Does she ever kiss your pinky ring? –He asked and Margaret kneed him in the thigh.

-No, no, of course not, Charlie –Margaret murmured-. That would be… gross.

But Charlie was on a roll.

-¿Has she ever been in the bathroom?

Again, Margaret kneed him in the thigh.

They followed their father in silence as he led them to the kitchen. He took a bag of flour and poured it all over the kitchen counter. He fingered the flour until he had drawn a word:

D i E

Dr. Berger watched their looks of terror and, satisfied, smeared the flour with his hand so that the word disappeared. His robotic stare and his not-so-subtle terrorism had their effect.

On everyone except Charlie:

-So, Dad, ¿what’s up with the plants?

Friday, July 07, 2006

Andrew Jackson Jihad!

Mp3 excerpt

And then the worst thing happened
The baby opened his eyes
And he stared into mine
and he started to speak
he said "listen boy I'm gonna throw you in hell
I'm gonna make you scream, I'm gonna make you yell
I'm gonna make you wish I'd never saved you you miserable prick!"
So we've got to be afraid of Jesus now
because his heart's filled with vengeance
and his soul's filled with hellfire
and he's thirsty for blood
so be afraid of jesus...
because he's gonna fuck you up
old skool style